Good Grief: Graduation!
Steve Argue

I wasn't prepared for it. No one told me about it or trained me for it. It just happened. I watched our first group of high school seniors make it to graduation. They graduated…and I cried.

It actually took me by surprise. I remember asking myself, “What on earth is going on?” And it didn't take long for me to realize…I loved them. I really did. Not all of them, all of the time, mind you. There were times in their turbulent teenage journeys when I wanted to ground, kick out, or strangle them (metaphorically, metaphorically). But here I was—at their graduations, or on our final trip, or at our celebration, crying or carrying a pit in my stomach; remembering the highs, the lows, and the bumps—realizing that they were moving on, and I wasn't.

Leaving isn't so bad, unless you're the one left.

Let's face it—we want our students to graduate, some more quickly than others. Ultimately, we want all of them to mature well, to be prepared for the next stage of their lives. For some beautiful reason, we get to take part in this growing up of teenagers.

Our graduates take a piece of us with them when they go. We've invested time, energy, and relationship in them. We've invested love, and we've loved them deeply. We feel the void, and we smile with tears in our eyes.

As I said, no one prepared me for this transition. No one asked me after the graduation season, “How are you doing?” As I spent time gearing up for the next event and the next season, I really felt the void left by the students who had moved on.

Unless we really think that only the youth pastor feels these emotions, we need to recognize that our volunteer leaders are probably having similar feelings. As a matter of fact, their emotions are probably stronger. Some of your volunteers may have been involved in the youth ministry much longer than you. Some of these students may be friends or relatives of some of your volunteers or their children. They've been a part of each others' lives beyond the scheduled church events, and this time of graduation stirs up multiple emotions of love, dreams, and grief for the ending of a season.

So how do we lead our volunteers through middle school or high school transitions? Here are a few thoughts…

Encourage Good Grieving
People handle grief in multiple ways over different time spans. You may have noticed that some volunteers have already started grieving. Others may be harder to read. Watch for signs of grief in your volunteers such as sentimentality, comparisons, or fear of what the next year will bring. Some volunteers may feel insecure once their group of kids has graduated, and they may consider not volunteering anymore.

Here are some ways to help your team with their grief:

In your leaders meetings, take time to reflect on the year. Give your volunteers time to talk about the highs and lows in their encounters with students.
Slow down and reflect. Resist the temptation to charge ahead to the next event. Volunteers need the time and space to adjust.
In one-on-one time with your volunteers, ask them how they're doing. Talk with them about students who are moving on, and ask them how they feel about it.
Share your own feelings—it will help your team members realize that their feelings are pretty normal.

Create Good Celebrating
Youth ministry teams have a great opportunity at graduation time to celebrate their students.

Instead of roasting students, consider 8^th grade or senior celebrations where time is taken to share a few things we appreciate about each student. Highlight the great things that the youth ministry team sees in the students. Any way that we can cheer on students by pointing out the fruit we see God growing in them is wonderful.
Take a trip with your students and volunteers. Have a special time for middle school or high school graduates where there can be something that highlights this significant transition. I've discovered that this sacred time is a great way for students and volunteers to have significant conversations, reflecting on the past and dreaming toward the future.

Commit to Good Sending
Remind your volunteers that your team is doing a great job when they prepare students and send them on their way to the next stage in their lives. Consider what it means to send or commission your students:

Have your volunteers write letters to their students encouraging them as they move toward their next stage in life.
Work with your volunteers to set up a ceremony where you and your volunteers wash your students' feet and pray over them. In essence, you're saying, “I have enjoyed serving you; now go and do likewise.”
Encourage your volunteers to connect their students with future mentors. Have volunteers call or email the next ministries that students might connect with. These volunteers can serve as advocates for the students, helping them connect with new mentors.

Good grief encourages me in two ways, based on Matthew 26:26-30. Jesus' heart is filled with the weight of the cross, grief over betrayal, love for those he has lived with, and hope for God's will to be done through his efforts and the efforts of those who will become the early church. Jesus seems to grieve, celebrate, and commission. There are certain times in ministry when it's worth it to slow down and embrace transition. May we all discover something beautiful in good grief as we journey with our volunteers toward this annual rite of passage.

Steve Argue (steve@intersectcommunity.com) is co-founder of Intersect, an organization designed to connect and coach emerging leaders. He is also a regular contributor to Group magazine.